So Melbourne (2020)

I come to you with the adrenaline of a mad cleric, rushing like a priest who has stolen relics. I have seen things, that cannot be unseen. For there is an entity in Naarm Melbourne only known by witness accounts, a being that is undefinable yet recognizable on sight. A complex creature that—like impossible representations of the divine—avoids the image and exists only in verbose interpretations. Perhaps their origin, motivation and reasoning is a celestial enigma to me because I’m from somewhere else (I missed out on important life altering events, such as watching Neighbours). But I have an extreme desire to understand this occult being, a theological mission if you will. Unlike the first time I met a possum, there is no Google entry to help me decipher this mystical creature—no guide to aid me in reckoning their strange behaviour.

This letter seeks to document the existence of this so-called myth, which lacks a name but we know it by the grunting sound of ‘so Melbourne’. The unnameable, or ‘so Melbourne’, is an evolution of whiteness (think Karen and Ken get a Fitzroy haircut while listening to The Smiths) and close sibling of entitlement (they are better than you, and they know it). Lord as my witness, Holy Virgin Mary by my side, I tell you: this uncanny creature is real and miraculous examples are the only way to manifest its existence on print. Fools may look at this desperate letter with scepticism but it is my hope that those searching for truth shall join me in my numinous research—a para-scholarly venture that now consumes my soul day by day. Am I chasing ghosts? Phantoms? Spectres? I sure hope so, for this unholy life form brings fear, terror, and horror to my very core. Let us begin then, with extreme trepidation, what is this…thing, we abominably call ‘so Melbourne’?

Eats an assortment of global foods in a Marley Spoon box and feels superior about it? so Melbourne.

White couple in their early thirties spends their leisure time collecting vinyl and hooking up on polygamous adventures—which is totally cool, except they simultaneously hit on you and you hate them both, so you really wish they had a different arrangement? So Melbourne.

Invites you over to eat subpar vegetarian burritos (like you are a child and they are feeding you cereal), and watch The Holy Mountain? Ugh, god, so fucking Melbourne.

Only wears Beta 90 (or whatever) and perfumes sought in a shop that looks like a retro pharmacy fucked a cult and gave birth to a new brand of snobbery? so Melbourne.

Invites you to their wedding even though you were hooking up in the recent past, and you go with your new partner because whatever; only for them to start acting like dickheads and delete you from Facebook but—and this is a big BUT—they don’t delete your partner who they barely know (and you’re like, what the fuck is this shit)? The audacity, so Melbourne.

Wants you to worship Rick and Morty because—I don’t get it—and then gets disproportionately offended (they will stop speaking to you, for sure) when you question the popularity of the series? Yep, so veryMelbourne.

Preys upon your personal life due to envy, infatuation or self-destruction yet excuses their behaviour with a convenient reasoning around love, alcohol, or the tarot cards when all you want to do is move the fuck on with your life, god fucking dammit? soooo Melbourne.

Has never liked you, and never will, but you started hanging out with their friend so I guess they should be nice to you now (sucks when it’s just the two of you though)? so Melbourne

Reads this and connects a million paranoid dots to make it all about themselves? …so...Melbourne